rolling eyes

For the first time today, Johnny rolled his eyes at me. I cannot remember what I said but he rolled his eyes at me! I cannot believe it! then I asked him if he really just did that and then we both started cracking up and then it made me think of how I've seen my dad roll his eyes at my mom all the time, like when she asks him to go do something and he just sat down. : )

I love my Beautiful Beast of a horse!!

So a couple of weeks ago a big group of Young Single Adults from my church went to Sharon, VT. It is the birth place of the prophet Joseph Smith who organized The Church of Jesus Christ of latter Day Saints. Anyway it is an annual thing and this was my third year to attend and I think it was really the best!

First we left Connecticut very late because of everybody's schedules but we were on the road and we made it quick. It was just about dark when we got there but Johnny and I were quick to get my tent up and head over to a dance that another group was putting on. Johnny and I danced around like huge dorks for a little bit and then I was tuckered out so I went back to the campsite and fell asleep. Everybody else partied by the campfire all night and played games.

The next day Saturday I woke up at 4:15 and was set to go. Played four hours of Basketball with guys 2 times my size and only made one shot. :/. Then I hiked a mountain . Then we watched the Joseph Smith Restoration Video. Then we went to get some soft serve down the road and stopped by the river to get our feet a little wet. haha a little I slipped on a ledge that put me in the river wet from the shoulders down! But the more important thing is that I saved my Moose Tracks! Then we went to a Alex Boye Concert which was really more awesome than I thought it was going to be with acception to the non air conditioned building that it was in. Blah. I couldn't wait to shove people out the door once it was over. It was very hot.

Then we drove home and by the time we got to CT it was down pouring like you wouldn't believe and the thunder and lightening was scary! eeek. My worst fear...getting struck by lightening. But we made it. phew...and the rest is history. And as you can see Christian was very tired!

and Johnny is cute!

Home

I have been home for a week now. I flew in last Monday to surprise my dad for a late Father's Day surprise. He was definitely surprised. I would have loved to fly in on Sunday but I had a Dressage competition last weekend and it didn't end until Sunday. anyway, I have been here for about a week and I fly back to Connecticut tomorrow evening.

I was so home sick and this week has gone by so fast. This October I am moving to Germany and that seems to be creeping up very soon.

My mom was telling me earlier about how proud she was of me and my being so independent and being able to just go and do everything I dream of but I actually feel opposite. This is hard for me so bare with me it is just hard for me to really reach deep into my feelings and write what is really there. I express my deepest thoughts to myself only and this is very much new to me.

I feel that those goals which I have (gosh my mind is racing and I hate this) they are always there and I think about them everyday but i never am confident in that they're going to happen. or I don't know how they are going to and I've never known how i did make it by the time I made it. I see everybody Else's hard work for me and I feel a little selfish. I work hard everyday with my daily responsibilities but just like now I'm supposed to be preparing for Germany and I feel so ill-prepared and I don't feel like it's going to happen. I don't exactly feel proud of myself. I feel like I've failed at something and I don't know what it is. My parents have supported me and put me through this intensive training to be the best and for me to be happy and I am but I certainly don't feel independent. At this moment i feel very insecure and I depend a lot upon them. I cannot take care of myself. i mean i can but I cannot. and this makes no sense maybe i 'm just being very hormonal right now.

Mostly....this is totally off the subject... new topic. I think my whole problem in this moment has to do with a very dear friend that I lost because I was stupid.

I just was reading one of her blogs and I just commented on her blog.

Anyway, She was my dearest best friend when I first moved to Connecticut for school. The first time I met her she saved me from a guy that was trying to tie the knot with me from hello as he did her previously so she kindly intervened that's always a good story. We became very good friends and she helped me more than she will ever know. We were total opposites and I was always in awe of her talents and sense of humor. She is really a very brilliant person and I really screwed it up in fall of '06. of all the little friendships that dwindle and fade as we grow up she is certainly one that I think of often and wish I still had. I said some very mean and hurtful things and I destroyed it. Sometimes I get so angry with myself over it like right now. I miss her a lot and I feel like a stalker visiting her page all the time knowing that i cannot talk to her because I'm too afraid or I'll just start balling like I am right now. blah. and I wish i could just spit out what's on m mind. But, it is simply that I miss her and I miss our fun times. I miss my best friend. She was a much better friend to me than i was to her. She had a much better way of giving encouragement and advice than I ever could. I cannot remember any of the things I said to destroy our friendship but I know I was in the wrong. She's married now and she starting a family and she's preparing to give birth to her first child. and I am so very happy for her. She will be an incredible mother! I only wish I could just be acquainted with her life right now. But I really messed it up and I feel that I've done that a lot ...messed things up. but, Miranda if you read this I just want you to know how much i love and care about you and I'm sorry.

sorry this is so blubbered I 'll have to fix it later.

Road rage

So, last night Johnny and I were driving in my car...he was driving and he started to get angry at this other car ...actually several cars along the way. But he then says "I haven't got road rage in a long time" ...well, he hasn't had a car for four months now and so he doesn't ever drive. I pointed that little detail out and we both started laughing and ... I love him.

Happy

Happiness is like wetting your pants, everybody can see it but only you can feel its warmth.

I got some pictures back yesterday. On Sunday, in pursuit of finishing a role of film I took a ton of pictures of my super awesome boyfriend/ future (too far future) something else. and there's also some pictures on there of the farm where my horse and I have been for the past three years!

Ah Ha Ha Ha!!!!!!!

Alright!!! Katie has just made a huge mistake. She actually had me write something on her blog spot. This is Johnny Gonzales. I am one of the most envied guys in the area because I get to be Katie's boyfriend. I am really lucky that she doesn't realize that she could have any guy around this area but she still choses me for some reason. We recently had a great time at the beach and then a scenic drive in eastern CT. We have been dating for almost eight months and I haven't messed it up completely yet. Hopefully you will get to hear from me on this site again. I just have to keep her from realizing that she is way too good for a goof ball like me.