Home

I have been home for a week now. I flew in last Monday to surprise my dad for a late Father's Day surprise. He was definitely surprised. I would have loved to fly in on Sunday but I had a Dressage competition last weekend and it didn't end until Sunday. anyway, I have been here for about a week and I fly back to Connecticut tomorrow evening.

I was so home sick and this week has gone by so fast. This October I am moving to Germany and that seems to be creeping up very soon.

My mom was telling me earlier about how proud she was of me and my being so independent and being able to just go and do everything I dream of but I actually feel opposite. This is hard for me so bare with me it is just hard for me to really reach deep into my feelings and write what is really there. I express my deepest thoughts to myself only and this is very much new to me.

I feel that those goals which I have (gosh my mind is racing and I hate this) they are always there and I think about them everyday but i never am confident in that they're going to happen. or I don't know how they are going to and I've never known how i did make it by the time I made it. I see everybody Else's hard work for me and I feel a little selfish. I work hard everyday with my daily responsibilities but just like now I'm supposed to be preparing for Germany and I feel so ill-prepared and I don't feel like it's going to happen. I don't exactly feel proud of myself. I feel like I've failed at something and I don't know what it is. My parents have supported me and put me through this intensive training to be the best and for me to be happy and I am but I certainly don't feel independent. At this moment i feel very insecure and I depend a lot upon them. I cannot take care of myself. i mean i can but I cannot. and this makes no sense maybe i 'm just being very hormonal right now.

Mostly....this is totally off the subject... new topic. I think my whole problem in this moment has to do with a very dear friend that I lost because I was stupid.

I just was reading one of her blogs and I just commented on her blog.

Anyway, She was my dearest best friend when I first moved to Connecticut for school. The first time I met her she saved me from a guy that was trying to tie the knot with me from hello as he did her previously so she kindly intervened that's always a good story. We became very good friends and she helped me more than she will ever know. We were total opposites and I was always in awe of her talents and sense of humor. She is really a very brilliant person and I really screwed it up in fall of '06. of all the little friendships that dwindle and fade as we grow up she is certainly one that I think of often and wish I still had. I said some very mean and hurtful things and I destroyed it. Sometimes I get so angry with myself over it like right now. I miss her a lot and I feel like a stalker visiting her page all the time knowing that i cannot talk to her because I'm too afraid or I'll just start balling like I am right now. blah. and I wish i could just spit out what's on m mind. But, it is simply that I miss her and I miss our fun times. I miss my best friend. She was a much better friend to me than i was to her. She had a much better way of giving encouragement and advice than I ever could. I cannot remember any of the things I said to destroy our friendship but I know I was in the wrong. She's married now and she starting a family and she's preparing to give birth to her first child. and I am so very happy for her. She will be an incredible mother! I only wish I could just be acquainted with her life right now. But I really messed it up and I feel that I've done that a lot ...messed things up. but, Miranda if you read this I just want you to know how much i love and care about you and I'm sorry.

sorry this is so blubbered I 'll have to fix it later.